What Does Repentance Look Like?

Note: This article examines what repentance looks like in our interpersonal relationships. We’ll be considering what it includes and how we can test if it is real.

What is repentance? Is it enough to say “I’m sorry!” or does repentance require more than that?

I believe it’s more than a simple apology. I define repentance as follows: Repentance is sorrow for wrongdoing (sin, failure, or offense) that leads to confession and a change of life. We can expand this definition into several parts, which operate as three steps on the path of repentance.

1. Repentance begins with genuine sorrow for wrongdoing.
2. Repentance includes confession to those who have been wronged.
3. Repentance produces a change of life.

Notice that it includes how we feel, what we say, and what we do. All three of these must be present in genuine repentance. Not infrequently repentance is reduced to what is said — a confession — but is missing genuine sorrow and lacks a change of life. Instead of this truncated approach, we must see repentance as a whole process — from godly sorrow to clear confession to verified life change.

Repentance begins with genuine sorrow

The path of repentance begins with genuine sorrow for the wrong that was done. This is primarily a matter of the heart — realizing and accepting that what was done was wrong, and that others were hurt as a result. The offender’s sorrow should focus on the harmful effects to other people, not the consequences he will experience. He is sorry, not because he was caught or because he will suffer as a result, but because his actions have hurt a fellow divine-image bearer.

Real sorrow includes a willingness to accept the consequences of the sin, failure, or offense. This is helpfully illustrated in Judges. This book records a continual cycle of Israel’s disobedience, their oppression by their enemies, their repentance, and their rescue by a divinely-appointed judge.

This cycle plays out full circle in Judges 10-11. When Israel repents (vv. 10-16), the Lord refuses to save them. He had delivered them many times in the past — from the Egyptians, the Amorites, the Ammonites, the Philistines, the Sidonians, the Amalekites, and the Maonites — but again Israel had forsaken him and worshipped idols. So he says, “Go and cry out to the gods which you have chosen; let them deliver you in your time of distress.”

Israel’s response illustrates genuine repentance. “We have sinned! Do to us whatever seems best to You.” They do not excuse their sin or argue for why they deserve deliverance. They throw themselves on God’s mercy and surrender to the consequences. They aren’t doing damage control. They aren’t trying to control the situation or mitigate their punishment. They realize the weight of their sin, so they submit to God and are willing to accept whatever He decrees.

The cry of a truly repentant heart is, “Do to me whatever seems best to you!” Until this attitude is present, it is very difficult to move forward. In counseling, one of the main factors determining whether we make progress in dealing with someone’s sin is whether or not he is truly repentant. If he has been forced or coerced into counseling, there’s very little the counselor can do to encourage lasting change. The same holds true in the church. Until someone is sorry for his sin — from the heart — lasting change will be difficult if not impossible. Genuine sorrow means accepting the consequences of sin and bearing the cost to make things right.

Because this is a heart issue, whether it is genuine is known — at least at first — only to God and to the offender. Whether it is real will be seen over the following weeks, months, and years based on whether there is a change of life consistent with the change of heart.

Repentance requires confession

The next step is confession. This is about owning the issue to those who have been sinned against. Confession must be (1) communicated directly to those who have been harmed, (2) clear about the nature of the sin, (3) free from excuses or blameshifting, and (4) given without conditions or expectations.

First, confession must be communicated directly to those who have been harmed. Misunderstanding this can lead someone to think he has repented and confessed when in reality he has done neither. If I sin against my wife, it is not a confession to apologize to my pastor about it. It may be helpful to talk to him, but I must confess to her because she’s the one who was harmed. Similarly, it is not sufficient for me to confess to my wife for sins against my children. I must get down on their level, explain my sin in terms they understand, and admit that it was wrong. Taking ownership for our actions demands that we admit our guilt directly to the people we’ve harmed. Though all sin is ultimately against God, it impacts people and we need to own it by talking with them.

Second, confession must be clear about the nature of the sin. “Mistakes were made” is not a confession. Neither is a statement that masks the nature and extent of the issue. Apologizing for “moral failure” is insufficient; confessing to a “7 year affair with a co-worker” is better. Sin must be defined and owned, without ambiguity. We must be as transparent as necessary for others to have a clear picture of what actually happened. And, though we do not need to broadcast our sin, we must be willing to talk honestly with everyone who was affected, however directly and however significantly.

Third, confession must be clear from excuses or blameshifting. Though other factors affect us (they always do), we are responsible for our choices. Confession is about taking responsibility for our part, not about coercing confession out of others or diverting the attention away from the wrong we’ve done. A wife is not responsible for her husband’s serial adultery, so his confession should not implicate her. A child is not responsible for his mother’s anger, so she should not blame her response on him. Making excuses or shifting the blame are tactics used to avoid the guilt and shame associated with wrongdoing. They must be excluded from our confessions.

Fourth, confession must be given without conditions or expectations. It should not have strings attached (I’ll change if…). It should own the sin without requiring a response from the offended party. It may make space for them to offer forgiveness, but it must not force it. Forgiveness is a gift; it is not owed. It should not be forced by the offender or by a mediator. Especially in cases of serious sin, the person who has been hurt should be allowed time and space to process before he or she is asked to forgive.

Confession is the most visible step of repentance. Sorrow of heart is essential, but it is invisible and hard to test. Life change is visible, but it takes time. Confession is visible and easy to test, so it’s tempting to prioritize it in the process of repentance. But it is the least reliable regarding where a person is actually at. It is not unusual for someone’s “repentance” to begin and end with confession, devoid of a change of heart or change of life. We must nest confession properly within the entire process of repentance, not neglecting it but avoiding trying to make it carry all the weight.

Repentance produces a change of life

The third step is a change of life. Repentance does not stop merely with feeling bad and saying sorry. The Greek word for repentance is μετἀνοια (metanoia), which means “a change of mind/mindset.” This points beyond our words and feelings. It’s a new approach to how we think about and act toward other people. It’s a whole life change.

In 2 Corinthians 7, Paul rejoices that the Corinthian believers responded to his previous exhortation with genuine repentance. He talks about two kinds of sorrow: “godly sorrow” and “the sorrow of this world.” The first “produces repentance leading to salvation” and the second “produces death.” The distinction between the two focuses on their direction and their destination. Or we could say, whether or not sorrow is real is seen by what it produces.

In this case, Paul knew their repentance was real because it changed their lives. “Observe this very thing, that you sorrowed in a godly manner: What diligence it produced in you, what clearing of yourselves, what indignation, what fear, what vehement desire, what zeal, what vindication! In all things you proved yourselves to be clear in this matter” (2 Cor. 7:11). Though in this case their repentance was primarily to God, the principle applies in our horizontal relationships too. Repentance must include actions, not just words.

We should be careful about identifying change too quickly. We need to ask, “Is this real, lasting change, or only a flare-up that will settle into the same old patterns?” This is especially important when we’re addressing engrained sin patterns (such as a pornography addiction, domestic abuse, marital infidelity, deceit and manipulation, etc.). Too often, if someone admits to sin, we call that repentance and move on. But naked confession is not repentance. Whether it is real can only be tested by whether there’s a change of life. This change should not be evaluated immediately, or even over the first days and weeks. Change, if it’s real, can only be seen over months and years — especially in cases of lifelong sin patterns.

We should look for change, not just in present behavior, but also in whether someone is willing to make restitution for past wrongs. Zaccheaus did not just apologize. He repaid what he stole four times over. While there are limitations to what can be made right, at the very least there must be an admission of what was wrong (directed to the ones sinned against) and an effort to make restitution.

Repentance is identified by others

Finally, we need to think about who gets to say if someone is repentant. In my experience, we often allow the offender to define his own repentance. If he says he is sorry, we believe he has repented. While it’s important for him to own his sin, that’s not a good way to determine whether he has repented.

As we just saw, repentance requires life change. But who gets to say if this has happened? We should not let the offender claim his own innocence (though hopefully he is aware if change has happened). It needs to be identified by others who are aware of the nature of the issues and know enough to say if real change has happened.

We also need to be aware of whether someone has an unhealthy interest in seeing the offender restored. For example, a pastor or counselor who wants to see a marriage restored may push for reunification before the main issues have been addressed. A ministry leader may overlook unrepentant sin to keep a gifted individual in a place of leadership. Those who stand to benefit from restoring an offender must be excluded from evaluating whether change has happened. Instead, those who identify whether repentance has happened must be (a) those who were sinned against, and/or (b) an objective, disinterested third party.

While this may seem overly critical and ungracious, it is important for the sake of those who will be harmed if someone’s repentance is fake or short-lived.

Conclusion: Why This Matters

Why does it matter what we think about repentance?

First, it matters because, when we get this wrong, people are allowed to maintain their position of influence, with access to vulnerable people. When mere verbal apologies are accepted without question, and without follow-up and accountability, an offender is given ongoing opportunities to harm people. We need to know what repentance requires — and take action to ensure it is really happening — to protect those who would otherwise be mistreated, used, or abused.

Second, it matters because, when we get this wrong, people are returned too quickly to positions of influence, respect, and trust. A pastor must be someone who we can trust, even with the most vulnerable among us. When a man of un-Christlike character is given the platform, those who put him there lie about the moral implications of the gospel. They blaspheme God (cf. Rom. 2:24).

Third, it matters because, when we get this wrong, we compromise our gospel witness. All the right theological tropes are sand if they aren’t paired with a godly life. Whether a leader is gifted and effective is unimportant if he is not a person of Christlike character. When sin is minimized, excused, or covered up, everyone involved compromises his moral integrity — not just the offender.

Fourth, this matters because what we think about repentance reveals what we believe about the gospel. Because many of us maintain a culture of performance, legalism, and dead externalism, we squeeze out the space for repentance. Where there is no grace, repentance is scary. People fear what they might lose if people know what they did. Graceless culture denies the gospel by acting as if some sins are unforgivable — and therefore must not see the light.

But our gracious Lord says, if we confess our sins, he will forgive us and cleanse us. Grace creates space for sin to be confessed, forgiven, and cleansed. That doesn’t mean the road isn’t hard. Some people lose everything when they confess their sin. But it is better to lose it all and have Christ, then to act as if you have him only to be ashamed when you meet him face-to-face.

Christianity is cross-shaped — a daily dying to self, a continual putting to death what is earthly so we can be made more like the Heavenly Man, a cycle of sorrow, confession, and life-change that demonstrates the sanctifying power of God’s Spirit. How we practice repentance reveals a lot about who we understand ourselves to be as Christ-followers. So I think our view of repentance serves as a microcosm of our view of the Christian life, and of the gospel. It’s where the gospel gets real, worked out in the shoe-leather of daily discipleship. It’s where we mourn our sin, confess it to God and others, and get to work (with the Spirit’s help) to become more like our Lord.

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Addendum #1: Power Dynamics

We must be aware of the power dynamics in any given situation. These are present in relationships like employer/employee (workplace), husband/wife (marriage), parent/child (family), and pastor/member (church). A person in power is often willing to accept blame and admit responsibility if it is necessary for him to maintain his position. What’s often lacking is substantial, long-term change. Mediators can easily be fooled into thinking that real change is happening while the underlying issues remain unaddressed. If we want to help those who have been hurt, we need clear boundaries, effective accountability, and safe avenues for vulnerable people to get help if the sin continues.

Addendum #2: Forgiveness and Trust

We must distinguish between forgiveness and trust. If I forgive someone, I willingly let go of my right to prosecute them for their wrong against me. I choose not to avenge myself, but rather entrust them to God’s judgment (cf. Rom. 12:19).

But that doesn’t mean I trust them. Trust is built over time and is earned, not deserved. A Sunday School teacher who sexually abuses children may be forgiven, but he must not be allowed to be alone with children again. A trustee who steals from a non-profit ministry may be forgiven, but he will not retain his access to the bank account and credit cards. A husband who abuses his wife — sexually or otherwise — may be forgiven, but he does not get the privilege of living with her until he has proven that he will love her as Christ loves the church.

Confusion on this leads to a common mistake where pastors require an abused wife to show she has forgiven her husband by moving back in with him. Though she can offer forgiveness immediately (if she is ready and willing), trust must be rebuilt. It multiplies the abuse for spiritual leaders to ask a vulnerable woman to return to an abusive husband. Real care means protecting her from further harm, caring more about her health and safety than what other people will think if she remains separated from her husband.